I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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