We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.