You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
