Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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