you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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