i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
okay pat passed out under dana's car
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
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Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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