I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
