I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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