I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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