It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
