I'm so fucking centered right now
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
