I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
