i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
