I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Your penis caused this!
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