never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
