My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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