life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
