i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
