I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
