need another drink. this is the easiest way
Too much gin, very little bucket
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
