Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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