it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
