i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
