The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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