I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
