I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
