You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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