i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
