bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
