if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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