ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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