Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
