my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
