1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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