so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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