I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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