So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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