you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
