Just cropdusted the office
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
