Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
