Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
