I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
