I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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