You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
