She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
