we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
