I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
