Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
