Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
