I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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