I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
