just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
