At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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