I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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