if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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