As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
