census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
