Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
