It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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